Signs that your relationship is beyond repair

You have become physically violent with each other - All civil forms of communication and respect have been broken and lost. It takes a huge amount of effort and energy to work through forgiveness and ultimately to forget in order to save a relationship that has reached this state.

Drugs, alcohol, pornography takes priority above else. - Numbing the pain of dealing with relationship issues will never solve anything and cause irreparable damage physically, emotionally and mentally.

You lie to each other about finances, whereabouts and who you have been in contact with-even platonic relationships and those with family members - Safety, security and trust have been violated. We enter intimate relationships for this very reason.

You talk to each other only when necessary, like “take out the trash” kinda thing - By sharing private stories, thinking and interests, we open ourselves up to being vulnerable and form strong bonds with each other, and when not, we disconnect and a feeling of loss and loneliness sets in.

You gave up fighting about things that are very important to you (values, morals, habits) - When our values are not being met we get sad, mad and bad which breaks the relationship down even further, but on the other hand, when they are met, we live in alignment with our true selves and show up as the best version of ourselves with joy that makes our relationship flourish.

Neither of you are putting in any effort to spend quality time with each other - Think back towards the things you used to do right in the beginning of meeting each other. Rarely did it include others, tv, social media distraction or sports that took you away from each other for long periods at a time. That is why you fell in love and formed a connection.

The idea of having sex with him is repulsive - For most women the biggest foreplay happens in her head and heart before the actual deed and that is exactly where the breakdown of a relationship takes place before she moves out.

When you close your eyes and imagine all the qualities you admire in an ideal partner, and it has become clear to you that your current partner will never come close to this - Sadly we do not get clarity of what we desire at a deepest level BEFORE we start dating. We only know what we do NOT want. We also deal with the challenge that the qualities we look for in a person when we are in our 20’s are not the same as for the partner in our 30’s.

You stopped having fun, laughter and doing the things that brought you childlike joy like singing, painting, dancing - We can drift so far away from the core of who we are when we “try to make a relationship work”, that we end up losing ourselves and in turn be a weaker version of ourselves in the relationship.

It hurts when you are fighting - That means you are still invested to find a solution.

The same topics pop up and it is very emotional for both of you, like finding equal time to spend with both your parents - It takes two to be committed to work things through and often the “big” things that we want to resolve will form a solid foundation for a future relationship.

There is still a degree of honesty and no other parties involved - Successful communication can be the turnaround when neither of you allow yourselves to be influenced by separate sources. You may read about steps to loving and understanding conversationshere

You have sexual intimacy with your partner even though it might not be as often as before - As long this is not done out of guilt or pity, this would be enough to reignite the spark of passion with some creativity and humour.

You still respect each other and each other’s social circle - Knowing it was exactly your diverse circle of friends, hobbies and family that intrigued/attracted you in the beginning, it is time to look, appreciate and enjoy this anew! All it takes is a bit of self awareness and curiosity.

I got married being just older than 20 years and felt really mature but did not have much relationship experience. I was a “start up” and made many mistakes. This does not mean that it could not work, but we respond to the outside world in direct accordance with who we are BEING at that moment.

My mindset was “what do I get out of it” and not “what am I giving”, and so was his. This created separation and competition between us. You will always keep score and no one ever wins!In the desperate, although not apparent attempt to “find and keep love”, I lost the most precious jewel - getting to know who I was (or becoming) and what I wanted.

What I wanted had nothing to do with STUFF.

I found a partner based on what I thought love was: Adapt, be nice, accommodate and conform and “belong” to someone. Little wonder I ended up lost and resentful and did not even know why. I am sure my ex partner most likely lost respect for me too.

I saw this (learned it unconsciously!) in my mom, aunts, movies, school and most fairy tales. The girl always has to be nice, give up her dreams and follow his, or she needs saving.

This was only one of the many misaligned behaviors I had that contributed to an affair, divorce and a couple of tough breakups that followed. I held the belief that a relationship could make me happy. (A crappy one can make you very unhappy, lol!)

I had to break free from the programming and social influences of our times. This takes time and moment to moment awareness.

No-thing, no one and no experience can GIVE you love.

This is the ultimate journey to find the truth of this…