My boyfriend cheated on me

Did he use protection when he cheated (assuming he had sex)? Get the practicalities out of the way regarding sexual transmitted deseases to put your mind at ease. If he wants to work this through with you, he should have all the needed tests too and no problem doing it.

Is EVERYTHING else GOOD about this relationship? This could indicate that it is worth your while to work this through, and if not, it is a clear indication that you should move on.

Is it good enough to draw on during times of uncertainty going forward? Both of you will have to make a conscious effort to be transparent, patient and loving and won’t have the energy to sort out other kinks in the relationship whilst you work this through.

Am I sure this was the only time he cheated? If this was one of many times he cheated on you, then I strongly suggest he contacts a professional to help him unpack and change his behaviour if he wants a monogamous relationship. You might want to get assistance regarding self worth and value systems.

Have I been 100% faithful to him in my thoughts, feelings and behaviour?Am I being deceitful anywhere else in my life, for example at work, with friends, family or myself? We live in a world where the “outer reality” reflects our “inner reality” which is made up of our core beliefs, values and deepest programming. Therefore it could serve you well by changing your viewpoint for a moment and see if this holds an opportunity for your own growth as much as his.

How has he been dealing with this? Responsibly, dignified, honest and with true remorse? Or with cowardice, aggression, blame or more deceit? How we respond to a situation says a lot about us, and how others respond says a lot about them. The invitation to get to know him on a deeper, more vulnerable level cannot be understated. You get to make a more informed decision AND you get to define more clearly who you want to be. Come back to this after step 2 and 3, you might change your mind.

Can I continue in this relationship without the need for him to “fix it, make up for it, pay for it”? Nothing under the sun can make you heal other than a change of heart and mind that refuses to dwell on what has gone by. This is the only condition that will give your relationship a sturdy foundation to move forward from - leaving the past in the past! Step 2 and 3 could help you reach this goal.

Is my self-worth still intact? If you answer no to this question, then I invite you to delve deeper into the stories you tell yourself about your well-being, value and worth. When we place them mistakenly in the hands of others (societal and social media conditioning contributed to this) we innocently buy into the illusion that someone or something made us feel a certain way. This is a great time to embark on a journey of self development. If you answered yes, well done! These are qualities that will help you bounce back very quickly because ultimately, they are INDEPENDENT from anyone or anything. Only false beliefs around this can lead to suffering.

In view of the above, if the answers left you with a clear and positive feeling of wanting to save your relationship (and he is on board too!), you may continue to step 2.

Recall when you and your partner felt most connected with each other

Really get into THAT feeling

Avoid thinking about anything else right now

Make this feeling bigger and more intense

Allow it to fill your whole body

Remember both of you see the world through your own upbringing, beliefs, experiences of a life time and can therefore never SEE things the same way

Find compassion for each other going through this in your unique way

See each other having a human experience that passes through

Feel your heart opening with the possibility of understanding and no resistance

From this feeling, and ONLY this, you go onto step 3

Ensure there are no distractions (electronic devices like watches, phones etc, people)

Face each other directly, connect by looking into each others eyes

Stay in the feeling of being connected, human to human

Agree each of you has a full turn to express how you FEEL about this

You may mention physical sensations and mental states of being

No name calling, judging or interruptions

Listen with curiosity to each other´s side of the story without going into your own mind, having visual mind movies and drawing conclusions

Stay open, allowing the one that is expressing in the moment to feel safe

Once the person is done (confirm with one another)

Ask what this means to him, and why he has given it this meaning (he will do the same afterwards to you)

Do not judge anything that triggers you, instead ask more questions to deepen your and his understanding around this (we often never pause long enough to investigate our own thinking and behavior)

Avoid accusational questions/statements like “why did you do this to me?”. Rather ask “what was happening for you in our relationship when you started to see someone else, what did you think it meant for you when that was going on, what do you think it means now to you and who do you choose to be because of it?”

Now you may share what all of this means to you so your voice has expression

Both of you must avoid “being right or wrong”

Be compassionate, like a parent soothing a child that tripped.

At anytime the connection is disrupted due to heated emotions, take a break and repeat the process

When you have decided to move forward, the cheating incident should never be raised again during an argument

Being only human, both of you will do things that will piss each other off down the line, but cheating, lying, spying and paranoia should not be falling under those categories.

Do not bottle things up and at the same time do not nitpick.

Practice heartfelt communication regularly so that both of you become fluent in the technique. It will serve you enormously in all walks of life.

Never, ever do heated arguments solve a problem!

Keep things light with a healthy dose of appropriate humor.