How to get over an affair

Chose a place where you will be undisturbed and feel safe (maybe a sofa with a comfy pillow and blanket or a beanbag in the corner of your room, or study? I would avoid the bed because it should be kept for repair and rest and in my opinion, sleep is holy!)

Decide how long (maybe 90-120 min in accordance with your emotional state) you want to spend here daily. Later on you may reduce the time and commit not to stay there any longer than your allocated time.

Whether you have to look at old photos, play “your song” or read love letters is up to you, just get real deep into the feeling state of your situation right now.

Be very present with your body.  Close your eyes. Scan yourself by moving your focus slowly from your toes, into your feet, akles, calves (you get the idea), all the way up until you have done your whole body. Remember arms and hands too. Paying attention to every muscle as your focus flows over it, including the facial muscles and jaw.

Allow EVERYTHING

If you break out in tears, want to yell into a pillow, or beat the living feathers out of it, now is the time.

Return to your body scan. Notice if there is relief or simply notice any tension.

Notice the thoughts coming up. Don't judge or fight them.

Notice the connection between thoughts and the feelings they bring

Notice where you FEEL them in your body.

Notice how the feeling intensifies, and then wanes. Up and down.

Allow the process to unfold for as many times as required.

Be mindful that this creates space for the new person you are becoming thanks to this experience.

Avoid giving this any meaning other than your experience in THIS MOMENT, the physical sensations.

When you feel settled, spend 5-10 minutes on a loving kindness meditation;  you can learn about it here.

Commit to yourself that this is the only time you allow yourself to fall apart so that you work cleverly with your energy during the normal course of the day.

Write the date at the top and “today I am grateful for”...

Express in whichever way you feel appropriate on the page the thing/person/idea you are grateful for. If you can only be grateful for your pet, stick a photo, or draw it or write down how you feel about their love for you.

Expand your gratitude journal daily by remembering that your basic needs like clothing, food and a warm bed are indeed luxuries that many across the world do not have.

Really FEEL the appreciation of what you are grateful for, embody it. If it is difficult, go to your early pages or connect with nature and get into the feeling.

Your physical ability to breathe, swallow and so on should NEVER be taken for granted. Avoid thinking like “I wish I was rather dead instead of this pain”.  I personally have seen life draining from a person, this is NOT what you want for yourself only because of heartache, take my word! Get appreciation for every little gift of life.

There are always Angels on our path. Did you notice the homeless man smiling at you, or the cashier handing your groceries with a friendly warm greeting, or a stranger holding the door open for you? Use daily awareness to help you grow your journal.

Once this practice has become routine, and your “falling apart/grieving” practises are less intense and half of the time it used to take, I invite you to think about what could you be grateful for BECAUSE of the affair and breakup? Only one thing per day. Did you experience yourself for the first time being adventurous in the bedroom? Did you get to feel desired like never before? Did you get to express yourself in creative and romantic ways? The gratitude goes to the ENERGETIC essence you now have accumulated into your being (you have changed and most likely grew in your desires, needs and contributions).

Keep adding day by day to your journal until you have milked every drop of honey out of the affair experience. You may list qualities you enjoyed from your lover, like intense listening and sharing. Make sure HE is not the object of your appreciation, but what you took away from the interaction, like being the centre of attention. You are doing this correctly if you are filled with the positive effect/feeling and not running into negative stories like “but it is over now, or he is gone…”.

Now do the same for the relationship you gave up to have the affair. Enough time and healing should have taken place to look back without the emotional cloud of being in a heated affair or being angry. This is extremely powerful to move forward and not have remaining energy blocks linked to this relationship. (In the rare occasion that you are working things out, this can be turned into building your relationship anew by growing appreciation for your partner and avoiding falling in the trap of complacency ever again.)

Time to be grateful for who you have become. I know I became an unwavering truth teller. I vowed not to take my partner for granted and learned to speak up for my needs. What about compassion, tolerance, being less judgemental, more trusting, warm, more transparent, vulnerable, independent, learning a new skill with your new free time? These might become more clear over a longer period of time and I invite you to stay open to this.

Keep an attitude of gratitude AS the biggest gift to yourself and see your life turn around!

Use all the negative and awful feelings you are experiencing as guidance. When you feel sad, write down the word joy. When you feel lonely, write down the word connection.

Think of all the feelings you want to experience even if it sounds like a pipe dream right now.

Get extremely practical. Look at your list of words and decide on  just two of them per day that you could  experience, for instance joy. I bet you can still feel joy listening to your shake-that-booty song from high school! You can ask your best friend to tell you what makes you her best friend, and be prepared to REALLY take it in and feel the connection. Get the idea? There are uncountable possibilities that bring us similar feelings, think out of the box.

Prepare a game plan to execute this. For instance, have the song downloaded on your phone for when you do your make-up, or walk to the bus etc. Or schedule a dedicated time to have that call with your girlfriend.